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We live in a world where SEX sells but MASTURBATION shames … something I can’t quite wrap my head around … because masturbation is a common behaviour and a popular habit enjoyed by many, regardless of age or relationship status … yet it’s something that many people are not all that comfortable talking about
I was raised in a loving home by loving parents, but whenever the topic of masturbation or sex came up (usually initiated by yours truly) then tensions in the room certainly increased, and it STILL causes discomforts whenever the topic is raised … heavens forbid if I can bring up the topic of conversation around my 3 children (now aged 18, 19 , 20) … and who wants to imagine older people in nursing homes with any form of sexual need
Hmmmmm … sex is considered to be a basic human need, essential for the survival of our species and pleasure is something we ALL seek … so WHY does it cause so much embarrassment and discomfort and WHY don’t we talk more openly and honestly about it ? … Our teenagers are most likely surfing the net for sexual content to satisfy their curiosities and wonderings … because its just TOO darn uncomfortable to talk about … and not ALL old people have been raised under the strict restrictions of Catholic guilt and shame … many acknowledge and identify with their sexual needs … but they are often shamed and guilted into silence and submission by those who find the topic uncomfortable
As professional helpers can you see the importance of understanding WHY we may prefer to avoid this subject ? … understanding our own attitudes and beliefs is imperative to ensure that we don’t deny the needs of others, based on our own discomforts
I’ve had many honest and open conversations with people, including the elderly about sex, masturbation, libido and intimacy … conversations that not too many people are willing to engage in, let alone initiate
WHY do people masturbate ? ? ?
HELLO !!! … because it feels good of course … it relieves tensions, supports relaxation, improves mood, helps us to become more familiar with our own bodies, increases sexual pleasure and it can improve relationships
Is it shameful to touch yourself ?
Do you feel guilty for giving yourself sexual pleasure ?
Do you feel uncomfortable talking about masturbation ?
Answers to those questions will give some insight into your own beliefs and attitudes towards sex and masturbation, which will influence your own thoughts, feelings and therefore experiences
But I pose another question …How can we truly love ourselves if we feel negatively about satisfying our own intimacy needs ?
Yes … I AM a masturbating, sexually active woman … who has experienced feelings of shame and guilt
Anyone else ? ? ? … then lets see a show of hands (insert wink)
My experiences of masturbation have been somewhat interesting to say the least, memories that would make me blush with embarrassment whenever my parents brought up funny stories at family gatherings (insert snigger) … I was the kid with ALOT of questions and far TOO many curiosities and wonderings … accidentally stumbling across a place that gave me a tingly sensation at a very young age
Yes, I was that kid rocking back and forth happily in the shopping trolley and on her chair during class and assembly, getting all tingly … at primary school for fooksakes (insert gasp) hahaha … Oh yes, many an embarrassing moment for my parents … so I soon learned that it was NOT something to be done in public, and so I secretly indulged in my tinglings in private, feeling like I was doing something very naughty … which was where the feelings of shame and guilt began
I refer to them as “tinglings” because I never experienced the intensity of a true orgasm until I was 19 years old … which will probably surprise those who know me well, considering I was a child hood rocker (insert snigger n snort)
Have you ever experienced an intensely emotional or energetic shift during love-making ?
Have you ever sobbed during an orgasm ?
Have you ever avoided or denied yourself sexual intimacy to gain a sense of control ?
Have you ever engaged in casual sex to either gain or lose control ?
Have you ever completely let go of all inhibitions and allowed yourself complete sexual liberation ?
Yup … the child with ALOT of questions and TOO many curiosities and wonderings grew up to be a woman with ALOT more questions and many MORE curiosities and wonderings (insert smile)
For me, masturbation now holds a much deeper meaning without the subconscious experiences of shame and guilt attached to it … the energy around self love has shifted and my experiences are changing … masturbation and sex have both become a source of healing as I choose to keep my heart open to new and different experiences
The theory of how the universe was created with the bursting of atoms suddenly takes on a whole new meaning … having recently experienced an orgasm so profoundly intense that I felt it literally changing the cellular structure of my mind … like a burst of light to my conscience and a shot of love delivered directly to the centre of my heart … I held my eyes tightly closed because I was so completely overwhelmed with what was occurring inside of my body … WOWZERS !!!
Then as the orgasm subsided the tears flowed from a place so deep that I had an unnerving drowning sensation … as if I was breathing under water … I laid there for a few moments, alone, with a feeling of complete surrender … and was compelled to LOOK at myself because I felt “different”… so I stood in front of the mirror naked and gazed into my eyes
I seen a softness and vulnerability … I SEEN myself for the person I truly am, instead of being distracted by the imperfections of my body … I witnessed my soul … and as tears ran down my face and love filled my heart I said the words out loud …
I LOVE YOU
It was probably the most profound heart healing Ive had to date
There is no shame in loving yourself
CLICK on the above link to access my blog Breaking the Habitz
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WELCOME to my first blog on
Yes, I’m the kinda woman who opens up all those delicious conversations at a dinner party. The one who is keen, willing and more than able to dive on into the yummy goodness, because she knows how much it will enrich our lives.
Its no secret that I enjoy sex, but multiple disappointments and frustrations over the years have made me STOP and reflect upon the quality of relationship I have with myself, and how its been impacting upon my love and sex life
It was time to be brutally honest with myself … and it stung !!!
I realized, that as a sexually liberated woman, my sex life kinda sucked. Although Ive had many wild and wonderful experiences, very few men have taken the time to stroke my sensual simulators and TURN my buttons ON. Therefore, although Ive experienced plenty of pleasure, Ive had very few mind blowing orgasms with my lovers.
Truth is, Ive faked orgasm to please my partners. Ive sacrificed my orgasms to protect the ego of men. And it took multiple heart hurts to finally understand how, as a liberated woman, I was STILL compromising my needs. Heck, if someone like myself is doing this unconsciously, imagine how many other women are faking their own god damn lives.
So, for the most part of this year Ive been abstaining from sex. Choosing to focus more intensely on the relationship I have with myself.
“Celibacy is the abstinence of sex, which is a form of self denial and self restrained usually for religious purposes”. So I’m definitely NOT celibate because I still masturbate. Orgasm is too damn delicious, to deny myself of that sublime pleasure.
However, my masturbation practice is changing with me.
Although Ive been abstaining from sex, I can honestly say that I’ve been having the most pleasurable and at times even passionate sex Ive ever had in my life …
ALONE … without a partner
Because the energy around the act of sexual pleasure is changing. It’s becoming more than a need to relieve and release tension. Its becoming more than a need for intimacy and touch from another. Its becoming more than an exchange of love between lovers.
Its becoming a spiritual experience …
and its ALL about ME !!!
Having dived into the depths of my mind, striving to better understand my thoughts. Having dived into the depths of my heart, striving to better understand my emotions. I now dive into the depths of my soul, striving to better understand the flow of my energy.
And the more mindful I become of myself, the more intensely I’m experiencing the energy between myself, Nature and Universe, which is having a HUGE impact upon all aspects of my life, including my masturbation practice. And I feel its something important to share with you because after all, aren’t we ALL seeking more pleasure and LOVE ?
So, I ask YOU …
How do YOU feel about self pleasure ?
What is your motivation for masturbation ?
What is your motivation for relationship with another ?
Lets be clear …
There are 2 motivators involved in our decision to either be in a relationship with someone and our choice for celibacy and/or abstinence
LOVE and FEAR
When we choose from a place of FEAR, then our hearts are closed. We are disconnected from ourselves and the Source of Creation. We either seek completion from another to feel a sense of balance and fulfillment (or) we allow the hurt of a heart break to hold us back from experiencing intimate love and sexual pleasure with self and another.
When we choose from a place of LOVE, then our hearts are open. We are connected to ourselves and the Source of Creation. Heart breaks are opening us up to experience more love because we are learning and growing from them. We allow ourselves to experience intimate love and sexual pleasure, regardless of our relationship status because we believe that we are worthy of it.
So many of my shitful experiences have been rich in lessons of SELF love
But I didn’t choose abstinence because I wanted to deny myself of love and pleasure, on the contrary. As a single woman I decided to temporarily abstain from men, dating and sex because I believe that I am worthy of experiencing the kind of intimate relationship I imagine. So, it was time to dive in deep, figure out the patterns, expose the wounds and determine why the fuck it wasn’t happening ?
My decision was based heavily in honor, value, respect and love for MYSELF ❤
Has it been easy ?
FUCK NO !!!
I’m a single woman, with an open heart, at her sexual peak with a raging libido. So, ofcourse I’d rather be sharing the experience with someone.
The irony �� hahahaha
Hence why and how the art of mindful masturbation came about.
Ive already shared my thoughts, feelings, history and my first healing experience of masturbation. But if you haven’t already read it, then CLICK on the link if it interests you.
There is NO shame in loving thy self
As a self confessed masturbator, I have no shame in admitting I enjoy it. My sexuality is a large part of who I am, it always has been. However, my understanding and my experience of this part of myself is changing with me. And the more shame and guilt I ditch, the more open and willing I am to talk about it, which makes some people very uncomfortable.
But WHY ?
Because for many people, sexuality is a private experience, to be shared only between partners. I was raised in this way too, but its something I continue to challenge. After all, sex is a basic human need and pleasure is our God given right to embrace and enjoy.
So why shouldn’t we openly discuss it ?
Why aren’t we OPEN to experiencing more love and pleasure ?
From experience, I believe that our thoughts and feelings around love, sex and masturbation, can cause a whole range of inner conflicts and tensions, that can then causes problems within our intimate relationships. Granted, sex isn’t necessarily everyone’s priority in a relationship, but if sex isn’t an active part of a relationship, then intimacy and pleasure could be an issue. Because emotional intimacy and physical pleasure influence each other. So if those needs aren’t being actively discussed, then its no surprise that problems will eventually arise within the relationship.
For example, unhappy married women can become more emotionally detached and unhappy married men can become more sexually frustrated. Or vice versa. One of which will eventually lead to either a relationship break down or infidelity.
Is THIS the kind of relationship with self and others we want to experience ?
Its a no brainer really ��
Having personally experienced intimacy issues within my own relationships. Having had many conversations over the years with unhappy men and women, both in relationships and single. Having endured my own sexual frustrations. Having had a long and complicated history with a married man. I feel its important to share my own experiences with you, because it hopefully initiates conversations with yourself and/or your partner.
So, WTF am I talking about masturbation ?
Because whether we are single or in a relationship, masturbation is something most of us do (even if too embarrassed to admit it). Its considered to be good for our over all health and well being and it can also improve the quality of our relationships.
So I ask …
WHY aren’t we talking more openly about it ?
Truth is, masturbation has become a very important part of my healing process. Oh yes, sing it to me Barry, in your best soulful sexy voice … “Sexual healing”
… but HOW and WHY ?
As I actively work through exploring my chakra energy, I’m becoming more aware of how my own energy flows. My orgasms are helping me to identify where I’m experiencing any energy blockages, which is guiding me towards learning more about Tantra.
My first tantric experience was last year with my French lover, which then led to my first passionate masturbation experience, alone, during my recent explorations of Lilith energy. It was primal and it was intense, which took me by complete surprise. Something I’m keen to share with you all another time, so watch this space, if ya dare �� hahahahaha
Masturbation has always been an enjoyable experience (as it should be), but as it becomes more intense and purposeful, it also becomes more sensual and pleasurable. This excites me because the more I improve the intimate relationship with myself, the more I hope to improve the quality of my future intimate relationship.
Oh YES, I’m a woman who wants to experience the passion, the fireworks and the magic .
But as a single woman with a healthy libido, I’ve often felt challenged and conflicted. Because in the past my desire for intimacy has often lead me towards unsatisfying sex, which has left me feeling used, abused and empty. My lack of self love then guiding me towards men who were unable to love me in the way I deserved, so I was left feeling even more used, abused and empty. A viscous cycle that kept on repeating itself, breaking my heart open over and over again. Leaving me yearning for the love of another instead of loving myself ��
Yup, I’m a slow learner, but although it was a very unhealthy cycle of behaviour, that’s been self destructive. Sometimes we need to destroy the person we once were, so we can become someone new.
Like most, my journey towards learning how to self love hasn’t been an easy one. But the experiences Ive had have been invaluable to my understanding of love, which I am forever grateful for.
Ive always refused to settle for less than extraordinary when it comes to love. So, why the fuck am I talking about masturbation if I want to attract a soulful partnership ?
Because I strongly believe that mindful masturbation has the ability to reduce societies hunger for pornographic pleasure, and increase the possibility of joining together with our partners in sacred union.
YES, I believe that the magic of mindful masturbation can lead to something extraordinary. And I am VERY keen to explore it further.
Mindful interaction ❤
CLICK on the link above to access my blog Breaking the Habitz