Do you remember when our relationship status was this simple ? The good old days when women were courted, engagements were celebrated, marriages were for life, sex wasn’t discussed, a womans place was at home tending to the needs of her family, while men worked long hours and affairs were discreet rendevous, that were carried out in smokey rooms and dark corners.
Hmmmmm … I’m a romantic at heart so the old fashioned courtship is missed, but I for one am relieved that times have changed. Because in the “good old days” far too many women lived a life that focused primarily on everyone elses needs. So gratitudes and appreciations for all those who worked damn hard for the liberation of women because we are no longer reliant upon men. However we now find ourselves confronting a different kind of problem. High rates of unfullfilled relationships and middle aged women struggling to find a satisfying partnership. Women focused on personal growth, who seek a like minded mate to grow in love with. But why are such mates difficult to find?
I believe that the liberation of women plays a part. Both men and women have been somewhat challenged as we determine and adjust to our new relationships and roles. Establishing a state of equilibrium within ourselves and our relationships is an ongoing process that takes time, patience, alot of self reflection and plenty of open dialogue.
Technology also plays a substantial part in our problem because the online dating scene offers us a quick fix to our intimacy needs. Enticing us into a virtual world of opportunity and choice, where intimacy is superficial and shallow. A forum where we can be anyone we want to be. A place where “complication” thrives.
So, lets talk about the “its complicated” status because I feel its begging for some air space and it certainly needs some clarification, so we can wake up to the reality of our complicated situations and hopefully begin to start simplifying our lives somewhat.
The ” its complicated ” has various levels and YES Ive ticked them ALL
If we are flirting with the idea of being in a relationship then we fall into the FLIRTATIONSHIP category. This complication involves seeking the benefits of a relationship, while not being fully committed to a relationship. They typically define themselves as “friends with benefits.” If I’m being honest I kinda like this complication because with the friendship comes respect. And when there is open communication, there’s no reason why this couple can’t transition from lovers into platonic friendship. But conflict will arise when one person wants and needs more than the other is able to give. Hence the importance of honest communication because that’s the only way this kind of connection can work. This is considered to be the safe zone that we fall back into inbetween relationships with other people.
COURTSHIP is only a complication if one person isn’t interested in pursuing a commited relationship, but they enjoy the old fashioned romance. Yes, I have indulged in the romance of courtship with no intentions of pursuing a relationship. One man even took it to another level by conversing with me in the language of love. Shakespeare. It was a refreshing and delightful experience, but unfortunately it was a brief encounter because he was genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship and I wasn’t. Otherwise I would have indulged and explored the potential of a wonderful romance for a little longer. But for a courtship to flow naturally there must be a genuine interest to commit to each other. If not then you’re being a dick because you’re playing with someones heart.
TEXTATIONSHIPS are very common for online daters, whose intimacy needs are met by communicating via the phone and computer. In my early days of being single, this was enough for me because I didn’t have the confidence to meet men but I enjoyed the conversations. But this kind of complication can soon become a very bad habit, which denies us of human touch. Lack of confidence and a fear of commitment usually plays a big part in this kind of complication. But BEWARE of lies and bullshit because this is an easy way to connect while already in a relationship with someone else.
The SITUATIONSHIP is a complication that often involves a third party. Yes, been there, done that and graduated. Couples can often find themselves in a situation where their relationship is no longer satisfying but they choose neither to work at it or leave it. Instead they choose to exist together, living as room mates. One or both people often seeking sex, love or emotional intimacy from another person. This complication causes all kinds of conflict for everyone concerned. But in my experience Ive found that its usually the 3rd party who causes the most tensions, while the couple are often resistive to change because of what they may risk to loose. A very frustrating situation to find yourself in, especially when genuine feelings of love are shared.
You’de be surprised how many people are engaging in SEXTATIONSHIPS these days, and its not just the singles doing it. Its the safer sex option for anyone looking for cheap thrills and quick fixes, which is why it also appeals to the unfaithful husband or wife. But this is dangerous territory to roam, as it leads to the complicated situationship.
A question Ive often asked myself over the years. I don’t claim to have all the answers but I do have more questions. If its complicated then what bullshit are we telling ourselves? What’s holding us back from comitting to a relationship?
Those of you who have been blessed in finding the right mate to grow in love with have your own challenges, but I have not walked your path. My lessons in love have involved very different experiences, which you may or may not relate to. But regardless of our relationship status I’m learning the importance of focusing on whats missing within ourselves before we seek out someone else to fill in the empty spaces for us. Maybe then us singles and those in relationships will all enjoy healthier connections, without depending on our partners for our happiness. Just two individuals who are open to grow in love together
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Categories: Breaking the Habitz